Pam’s Journey ~ Day: 264
Miles walked: 691
Miles remaining: 309
Days remaining: 102
A few months ago, I let some seeds of doubt be planted in my mind. I was walking (go figure), and I was humming the song, “I Will Follow” by Chris Tomlin. Love that song! Anyway, the thoughts started coming. Would I really follow? I would want to and I would try to but… would I?
One day as Jesus was walking along the shore of the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers—Simon, also called Peter, and Andrew—throwing a net into the water, for they fished for a living. Jesus called out to them, “Come, follow me, and I will show you how to fish for people!” And they left their nets at once and followed him. A little farther up the shore he saw two other brothers, James and John, sitting in a boat with their father, Zebedee, repairing their nets. And he called them to come, too. They immediately followed him, leaving the boat and their father behind. ~ Matthew 4:18-22 NLT
My thoughts immediately turned to everything that I would have to leave behind if God called me to go, as Jesus called His desciples to follow Him. My job, family and friends, and my stuff. But, I don’t want to leave all my “stuff”. I worked hard for all this “stuff”. I wouldn’t have any… “stuff”. I know, it’s a crazy thought to begin with but I let it get all turned and twisted around and was really disappointed in myself for being so concerned with my stuff that I might let that be a reason for not following where God wants me to go.
I pushed the thoughts away because I didn’t like how selfish they made me feel. I mean, I love to give. I give as much as I can, whenever I can, where ever I can, and I am so blessed by giving. When I hear someone say “need”, I’m trying to figure out how to meet that need. I really do love to give. So, how can I be so selfish when I love to give so much? That thought weighed heavy on me. Convicted.. So again, I tried not thinking about it. I even tried not humming the song because I didn’t want to be reminded of how selfish I must be.
Over the months and the miles, I would revisit those thoughts but as much as I wanted to say that I would just pick up and go if that’s what God asked me to do… I couldn’t say it. I mentioned my struggle with obedience last week. Apparently, it’s a big thing. But I do want to be obedient. I’ve been having a war with myself about my selfish obedience. Am I only obedient when I want to be?
Recently, I’ve upped my daily miles. I’m riding the line of being where I need to be on the 1000 miles in 365 days and I feel much safer when I have a little wiggle room. So, now that I have more time each morning to think about these things that I need to improve, and as life continues to unfold and show more of God’s direction, I am still battling over my selfishness. I try to give it to God every day and ask Him to lead me but I’m afraid of what I might hear.
Luckily, I’m like a dog with a bone when it comes to arguing about something and I still haven’t let it go. Even though this has been an argument with myself – or could it have possibly been an argument with the one that planted that seed of doubt in the first place? Did Satan sneak his annoying self in my mind and plant the doubts? Sure the thought of picking up and going where God calls you to go is a little scary but God’s there to lead, right? So, what’s there to fear? ahhh… there’s my Faith 🙂
Sitting in church on Sunday, my dog with a bone light bulb went off. I don’t know what Pastor Craig said, but it was probably when he was putting everything in the Lord box, when I realized that I am willing to give up my “stuff”. I am willing to jump on the road and go where God is leading. “That thing” that Tasha and I have mentioned.. I’m so sorry to keep withholding details but it’s just not time yet. Well, I realized that without even a second thought, I’m willing to give up everything for that thing. I have literally looked around my house to figure out how I can use as much of my “stuff” as possible to make this thing happen.
This thing – It will be a ministry where we can make a difference in countless lives. It is what God has been prepping us for by putting us together in a weight loss support group. It is where God was leading when we began our daily walk with Him. It’s been a long road (1000 miles?) to see where God wants us to take this thing. We will have the opportunity to love like Jesus loved, we will nourish people with God’s word, we will help those who need help, and we will love our neighbors like we love ourselves.
It will let us give back what Jesus has given us. Love.
See, I knew I live to give.. or love to give. Same thing! So, back to humming my song…
Where You go, I’ll go
Where You stay, I’ll stay
When You move, I’ll move
I will follow You
Who You love, I’ll love
How You serve I’ll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow You
I will follow You.